Blog

May1
2017

Illogical Truth

By Michelle Stepp

I wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to endure another struggle. It was all too much. I simply wasn’t designed for this. I had been strong enough before, but not now. No, now was different.

I told myself that hope had to be a lie, just like being optimistic was a ridiculous notion.

The only truth I believed was that not being alive was the only way to reach peace, to obtain permanent relief.

A year ago, that was my truth. But now I know that was the ultimate lie.

Depression isn’t just an all-consuming sadness; it’s numbing too. When I was depressed, I grew numb to the highs and lows of a normal day. The good moments failed to lift my mood; while the low moments tended to feel stagnant. And even worse than being numb to my own emotions, I became numb to those around me.

In the rare events I found the courage to speak up and talk to my husband about what I was experiencing, he would speak the reality of the situation, but I couldn’t get myself to believe his words. When he told me he would much rather have me in his life — no matter how broken I felt — I looked at him with disbelief. How? How could he possibly feel that way? I was a burden. I would always be a burden.

Everyone was better off without me. I felt I had nothing left to offer, nothing left to give anyone around me. When I did feel something, it was always negative in nature. My energy sources were depleted, leaving me unable to love myself and others.

And yes, all of those feelings were real to me, they were valid feelings — but they weren’t the honest truth.

When I tried to end my life I never thought about how it would affect my husband, my family, or my friends. And that lack of consideration wasn’t meant to be selfish — it was quite the opposite. From my skewed perspective, I saw the finality of my existence as a way to stop the hurt I thought I was causing. I knew the immediate loss would sadden them, but I was certain they would get over it. My ability to understand how my actions would alter their lives was temporarily, yet severely muted by the illness. The existence of love seemed ultimately fake. I thought they would be able to move on knowing that I wasn’t suffering any longer. But that was the depression thinking for me.

Depression is a liar.

It twists your thoughts against you.

It makes the ground you stand on seem unstable.

The illogical becomes the truth.

I know that now. And now that I do, I want you to understand this: If you are in the pits of depression, if you are suicidal, if any of the above spoke to you, depression is lying.

Love is real.

You are not a burden.

You are needed.

You are wanted.

Even now, depression may be telling you that everything you’re reading is false — don’t listen. Relief is coming in this life. And while recovery may be a slow path, you will eventually reach a point where you are no longer controlled by what you’re struggling against.

You can and will survive.

You will find your truth again.

You will find yourself again.

Michelle also runs an Etsy shop where she sells “handcrafted decor with a purpose.” 10% of every purchase is directly donated to TWLOHA!

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Comments (35)

  1. Pam

    Thank you. I don’t completely believe you 🙂 but I do love this and think it’s probably true.

    Reply  |  
    1. Michelle Stepp

      You don’t have to believe me right now, I’ll believe for you in the meantime 🙂

      Reply  |  
  2. NoOne

    I won’t survive, I won’t find my truth again because the truth is too ugly, and if I find myself, the bottom will drop out from under me. “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan reminds me that leaving this pathetic excuse for world will allow me to hold my deceased sons again, will allow me to tell them again how much I love them.

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      You will find yourself again, and you will find truth. And it will bring you relief. Surely, there may be difficulties within that relief, but know that you are deserving of those efforts. And you don’t have to do it alone. There is help out there, and people who want to help you. Your sons know how much you love them. They know how much you miss them. Please continue living for yourself and for them. You can find local resources here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ For immediate assistance, please text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line, you will be connected to a trained counselor in minutes. Also, if you ever are in need of sharing your story further, please do not hesitate to email us at info@twloha.com. We will read and reply to your message as quickly as we can manage. Sending hope.

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      No matter how “ugly” or messy our lives look, there’s still someone who can benefit from our experiences. Life can be dark and difficult and seem pointless, but it’s in those moments that we grow stronger and others can learn from our journey. That gives us purpose- that is the truth. Keep going, and please stay.

      Reply  |  
  3. Luciana

    I got to a point where I don’t care if relief is coming. I want the struggle to end right now. And you know what, I’ve been in this hell for so long and it never gets better. I believe my family’s ability to heal is far greater than mine. They’ll be ok – I’ll be ok.

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Luciana, thank you for reaching out. We know how hard it is to continue when you’re struggling, but please stay. You are needed here. And even if you think your family will be fine, that they will heal, they will endure a loss so great that no one can predict how they will handle something so terrible. You can find relief. It is waiting for you. Please keep trying. Please keep seeking help. You can text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line to be connected with a trained counselor. To look for resources in your area visit our page here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ And if you ever want to share more of your story with us, you can email us at info@twloha.com. You are not alone in this.

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      Relief looks different for everyone. Many think it means all their troubles and worries will be gone overnight. However, that simply isn’t the case for most people. Relief can mean learning to manage our mental illness so it doesn’t rule over us any longer. It’s still there, but it isn’t completely controlling. Relief and recovery are possible, Luciana.

      Reply  |  
  4. Katt

    Reflections of my soul, but I’m deeply saddened to admit, I haven’t seen relief, light, and truth yet. I’m still consumed in the shadows.

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Katt, you will find light. You will find relief. Keeping going. If you ever want to share more of your story, you can email us at info@twloha.com. We would be honored to hear from you.

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      You’ll get there, Katt! Keep looking for the light and doing things that bring you to a place where you might be able to see it. The light is always there.

      Reply  |  
  5. Lauren

    This is actually just what I needed to hear today. I have been pushed down onto the depths of anxiety and depression again. It comes and goes, but I feel like it is coming again! I needed to hear the words that were spoken, and that depression is a lie! He cannot control me anymore. Thank you.

    Reply  |  
    1. Michelle Stepp

      great job remembering the truth about who you are!

      Reply  |  
  6. Linda

    Love ❤️ these words .So much truth ,thank you so much

    Reply  |  
  7. Sherrye

    This was so very helpful. Thank you. I am writing my daughter a letter as she moves from rehab to a transition home and I am writing these things above and about this blog so she can read positive encouraging thoughts to help her reframe her thinking. Mine too.

    Reply  |  
    1. Michelle Stepp

      praying for you, sherrye, and your daughter! keep sending her your love and support!

      Reply  |  
  8. Brandon

    How can I find my “truth” when it has truly been lost forever? Am I expected to simply replace it with something else as if it never mattered in the first place?

    Reply  |  
    1. Michelle Stepp

      hey brandon, who you are always matters. sometimes what we believe about ourself may not be true though. anything or anyone who says you don’t matter, aren’t worthy of love, or that you don’t deserve to be happy is not speaking the truth.

      Reply  |  
  9. Angel

    This article is absolutely beautiful and i agree with you 100%. I’ve been there and this article put everything that i ever thought about my depression into words.

    Reply  |  
  10. Halley

    I needed to read this today, thank you. You are a true warrior keep fighting.

    Reply  |  
  11. Irana

    It was really helpful for me to read this. It’s really nice to read that you can believe in life. my sister has depression and I wanted to ask you what did you do to overcome the depression ? what should I do, or my family should do to help her?

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Hi Irana,

      Thank you for commenting and sharing part of your story — and your sister’s story. I’m sure the author of the blog, Michelle, would like to reply back herself, but hopefully we can provide you with some direction as well.

      The best thing you can do for her is offer her support and aid her in the process of seeking out help. We list local resources on our help page here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ Also, if you (or her) would like to share more of your story with us, you can email us at info@twloha.com at anytime. We will do our best to read and reply to you as quickly as possible. Please know that both you and her are not alone in this struggle. She is truly fortunate to have you by her side.

      Sending you, your sister, and your family enormous amounts of hope.

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      hey irana. recovery is different for everyone. for me i’ve been committed to therapy, taking medication, working part-time, exercise, and starting up and etsy shop. but that all didn’t happen overnight! it took a lot of time and patience.
      wanting to support your sister is great! support really comes down to listening to your sister and simply letting her know you love her.

      Reply  |  
  12. Jazzy

    Michelle,
    Thank you for writing this post. I am in the depths of my depression right now. I don’t believe I should be here even I have receive such love and support during troubling times. I am tired of feeling this way- not caring about anything, not having anything to say, feeling anxious about and having a pit in my stomach when I wake up everyday because I have to face another day.
    I just went back on meds 24 days ago. I really hope they will help. I have had 3 therapy sessions but it’s hard for me to formulate my thoughts.
    I just don’t know where to go from here….

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Hi Jazzy,

      Thank you for commenting. We are so glad that you are seeking the help that you need and deserve. Although it may seem as if none of your efforts are providing you with relief, we hope that you will keep going.

      If you would like to, we encourage you to share more of your story with us as well. You can email us at info@twloha.com. Please know that you are not alone.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      amazing job getting some help, jazzy! it may not seem like much, but we all have to start somewhere. keep fighting every day!

      Reply  |  
  13. Hanna

    Michelle this was so beautiful thank you for giving me hope, and the feeling that im not alone.

    Reply  |  
  14. Anna

    Thank you for this. A huge portion of my time with the friends I have now is convincing myself I’m not a burden when I need to ask for help in the periods of dark times I face. Depression is a liar, and a good one at that. I’m glad you can see now how it insists on being right.

    Reply  |  
  15. Scott Kendrella

    This really spoke to me today because I’ve been struggling with this a lot lately as well. Even tho my depression isn’t what it used to be (thank God), I still feel that I have ruined my life and all my friendships, and that I have nothing of value to offer.

    Due to my many failures in many areas I still feel completely unworthy of friendship, let alone love or affection. And I constantly feel that the world and everyone who knows me would be far better off without me. Yet still I press on, knowing that there’s got to be a point to all this suffering, a moral to my story.

    I guess I still stay alive because I want to find out if there’s any way I can fix my broken life. It’s like watching some horrible movie you don’t enjoy, and you kinda want to just get up and walk out of it, but you still stick around for the ending hoping that the ending will be a lot better.

    Anyway, thank you for this beautifully written post.

    Peace

    Scott

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Please know that you aren’t alone, Scott. But also know that you are wanted here, you are loved, and you are needed. Even if you do not feel that you are.

      It is incredibly courageous of you to keep going, to keep living. We admire your strength. If you ever want to share your story with us, please email info@twloha.com. We are here.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
    2. Michelle Stepp

      there is a point to your life and your story, scott! even sharing your hurts can help others in ways you can’t even imagine.

      Reply  |  
  16. Gerry

    Thank you, I needed to hear that.

    Reply  |  
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  18. Jade

    After reading this there is a part of me that believes I could possibly get better. But then there is another part of me that feels like I can never get better that I will always feel broken and hopeless. That I can’t and won’t be able to get out of this dark place. And every time I try to get better I always feel as if im being pushed further back into the dark place with no escape. With the depression I feel weak and defeated. I feel as if I will never be able to love myself for who I am. that I will always find a flaw somewhere. And I just want the sadness and emptiness to go away.

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Hi Jade,

      Thank you for reaching out and commenting. We’re glad Michelle’s blog spoke to you. We understand how hard is to pull yourself from those negative and hopeless thoughts. But please know that you are not alone in this. You worthy of a life full of love and light. From yourself and others. And you do not need to be perfect to be deserving of either.

      Your courage to keeping going, to keep trying is inspiring. Please continue. And please email us at info@twloha.com whenever you want to share more of your journey. We read and respond to every message we receive.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |